From a Former Christian Doormat

Ah a doormat, what no one wants to be. Getting walked on by everyone you know all of the time. And yes I am still a Christian. And no, being a Christian does not automatically make you a doormat. However, I do think it is really easy to mistake biblical commands for being a doormat. At times the church seems to even encourage Christians to be doormats for them - more volunteering, more of your time and energy, stop “nitpicking” (translated as don’t question my authority). I’d like to believe a lot of people are similar to me. You genuinely want to do the right thing, you want to treat people kindly and with love, and you cannot tolerate the thought of others being upset with you. I hope sharing my story will shed some light on what it feels like to be a doormat in the Christian community and the principles I used to break free.

Do you give off weak energy?

I’ve heard this term recently called weak energy. Essentially it means others view you as weak. They know they can get away with doing pretty much anything to you. They know you care too much about their approval to ever challenge them. They know you will do anything to make them feel comfortable even if they are the one who has done something to make others uncomfortable. How do they know this about you? You tell them. With your words and actions.

Someone asks me a way too invasive, inappropriate question and what do I do? I answer it directly rather than making them uncomfortable for asking, I sacrifice my comfort for theirs. Someone asks me to do something I do not want to do and isn’t even necessarily the “right thing” for me to do and what do I do? I say yes, because again I sacrifice my comfort for theirs. Or I say no but feel like I have to give a really really good excuse that they will approve of as a reason enough to say no. Even if I say no without an excuse I worry for hours and days whether that person now hates me. We cannot control what other people do, but we can control what we do and the ways we are telling others how to treat us. We can trade weak energy for confident energy. Notice I didn’t say become a jerk. We can do this while still maintaining our kindness and respect to others.

Christian community might not help you

I’ve spent so much of my life enslaved to the approval of others, which by the way is not biblical. The way this gets muddled in the Christian community though is we say things like “Jesus was disrespected and loved his enemies, we are called to live selfless lives putting others above ourselves, Jesus laid down his life for us and we are called to the same kind of sacrificial life, love your neighbor” WITHOUT any kind of balancing principle of self respect. Well meaning Christians and pastors will teach these things and it can be really helpful and freeing to live a life serving others sacrificially. However, these ideas must be balanced with the idea of self respect. Jesus did not die on the cross for me just to have me throw my heart in front of others to trample all over. It’s interesting to me that we say “guard your heart” in matters of Christian dating but not in much of anything else or in the context of other relationships. I’ve stayed in toxic friendships that had nearly no boundaries because I thought leaving would be sinning. I thought I was the mean one so desperately wanting them out of my life. I would talk in circles in my own head that it’s not their fault - I am the one who has to be more loving and patient towards these people even if after every interaction I feel terrible, put down, unheard, discouraged, and stressed out. Most Christian messages I heard would just reinforce that I had to stay in these friendships. I felt truly trapped. If you’ve never heard it, let me be the christian who tells you that you do not have to endure anything from everyone simply because you are a Christian and that does not automatically mean you are mean or doing the wrong thing or disobeying the Lord. A question I often ask myself when giving to another person (of my time, energy, friendship, etc.) is am I loving and serving this person well or am I enabling them to be selfish? This has helped me discern between being a kind, loving Christian and simply being a doormat. I believe it is crucial for Christians to have self respect in order stop sin exchanges from happening. If I stand up for myself or allow myself to have self respect and not let others walk all over me, then I can actually stop others from committing sin against me. You can help others sin less by having self respect. Not offering yourself as a stumbling block to those who are prone to take advantage of others can help keep them from sinning.

Freedom

The part of my story where I broke free from being a doormat comes when I married my husband. Andrew is truly an example of Christ to me. He was one of the first people who really listened to me, made me feel heard, and in the way he valued me helped me to see my true worth. I am smart, I have good things to say, and I am right about some very important things that I should not be swayed on even if other friendships made me feel the opposite. Andrew was patient with me as I started to realize these things. He saw the inside of my mind and kindly corrected my thinking with phrases like “it doesn’t matter what so and so thinks because they’re wrong, you don’t need to do something you don’t want to do, you have good ideas, you’re so smart, you make me laugh, you’re right Rachael.” Once he spoke these things to me I started speaking them to myself and then I started actually believing them. And for the first time in my life I felt a kind of freedom that I wasn’t controlled by others and my life was mine to live and I had a lot more control over it than I ever thought I would. I moved forward not with pride, but with confidence in myself and my God-given abilities to live a God-glorifying life - yes, but to also live a life that I love and that brings me joy. Andrew told me the things I desperately needed to hear, but he also modeled what it practically looked like to not be a doormat but to still be kind.

Practical Tips

You do not owe an answer for every question asked. Get used to answering only in ways that you feel comfortable. We can do this without being rude - you can change the subject, you can offer a very vague response, you can even answer with a question back. Do it all in a kind and positive manner and think of it as being kind to yourself not being mean to others. Caring for others does not mean you cannot have boundaries with the information you share. You are allowed to say no. Get used to saying no to things you simply do not want to do. Of course there are times when the right thing to do is say yes and may require your sacrifice but that is not all the time for every single request. Remember when you say yes to something you are saying no to something else that may be really important to you - much needed sleep, alone time to recharge if you’re an introvert like me, your own hobbies and things that bring you joy, simply not having to rush from one activity to the other, time with your family and many other important things. Train your mind to care less about what others think of you. If you start to feel worry taking over your mind when you think you’ve disappointed someone, very simply and practically shift your mind to something else. It can be anything - play music, watch a funny show, listen to a podcast, take a walk and observe nature, cook or bake something. Do whatever you need to do to occupy your mind with something else and over time your mind will become trained to care less. I felt a lot of guilt when I started implementing these tactics into my daily interactions. Know that with time and practice, that guilt will start to fade as you realize your self worth. Like any good skill, it takes time and practice. Each time you successfully show self respect, view it as a victory in your mind. One day you will be the person you have been practicing to be.

Others won’t like when you change

Others might not consciously realize but if they are used to enjoying the control they have over you, they will not like it when they lose it. They may call you mean, which you are not. In fact if you are enslaved to the approval of others, you are actually mean to yourself. They may even call you mean because you seem mean compared to who you used to be but they won’t call others who have self respect mean and this can be hard. They may say you changed and they don’t like it. Keep pressing on. Keep telling yourself good things about yourself and that you deserve your own self respect. Be as kind to yourself as you feel you should be towards others.

If you have been a doormat and have not felt freedom in the Christian community, I hope you can go forward with confidence and freedom that you are in control of a lot more in your life than you may know. You do not have to be enslaved to the approval of others and even though the change won’t happen instantaneously, with time and practice there is hope for the person you can become who is still kind and loving but also holds the self respect that is needed not just for your own flourishing but for the flourishing of others to not sin and take advantage of you.